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In preparation for moving, I’ve been going through all my belongings getting rid of as much as I can. I hate clutter and I don’t want to move it halfway across the country. I open a white, cardboard filing box somewhat crinkled and worn from multiple moves. It contains a plethora of old cards, letters, and photos I need to sort through and pare down. Not having read any of the contents for years, I expect to find superficial platitudes and niceties as I start to read through it in order to decipher what to trash.

Amongst the lined notebook paper with penciled letters and a variety of colorful greeting cards from different holidays I find notes of admiration from those who barely knew me, well wishes before having major surgeries, words of encouragement as I graduated high school and took unknown paths in life, declarations of love from past relationships, congratulations on hard earned successes and my marriage to John, heartfelt apologies, longings to be near me when distance prevailed, and most of all expressions of deep, genuine love simply because it was Halloween, Thanksgiving, or St. Patrick’s Day. Inked words from loved ones who are no longer here rise from the cards as if they are in this room now, talking me through this time of uncertainty and transformation.

Suddenly, I find myself sitting on my run-down carpet silently sobbing. Not because this ragged carpet is finally getting replaced and I won’t even be able to enjoy it, but because I am overcome with a deep sense of gratitude and a crystal-clear reflection of my past. In this precarious story and timeline laid out in the scattered cards in front of me I gather strength from my resilience while also acknowledging the many hands who helped hold me up. I realize in times I felt alone or forgotten, there was always someone thinking of me. Looking back, I feel compassion and sadness for the old me, the one who abused myself and allowed others to abuse me too. I now understand my worth doesn’t come from other people, not from all these love letters, but from within myself.

After carefully reading each word, taking it all in, and revering some letters while adamantly casting others aside, all I can think is; how exceedingly lucky am I to have all these voices, kind words, quiet reminders, and loved ones wrapping me in a warm embrace as I embark on this new journey in my life.